Daddy Issues
Depression: Part 2
After enduring the emotional roller coasters of five years and two deployments onboard the USS James E. Williams, I thought I was a strong-minded person. Ship life is stressful. From being separated from family, missing family events, to stressful work schedules, groundhog days, a non existing sleep schedule, and the nagging thought of at any moment something can happen played a toll on my psyche. For five years, I was never at home, shucks, the ship was my home because we were always on the go. I finally went to shore duty, where I was able to go home and sleep in my comfy bed every night. My life slowed down, and I was able to relax a bit. Well, not exactly.
You see, the crazy schedule kept me from facing issues that I buried. The slow down, alone time, and silence forced me to face demons that were always there.
One being my Daddy Issues.
What’s worse, having a great relationship with your dad, then he breaks your heart and leave? Or never knowing him? My first love was my daddy, for I was the definition of Daddy’s Little Girl. Wherever he went, I was there riding high on his shoulders because I was spoiled and always wanted him to carry me. I was his shadow.
He drove trucks for a living, and I would ride with him from time to time. I thought he had a fancy truck because he had a bed while other drivers did not. I remembered driving the truck while sitting in his lap. He would let me blow the horn and talk to the radio to other truck drivers.
He was the reason I loved basketball at a young age. I remember when he would be so excited and yell at the T.V. when he watched the games. He taught me how to tie my shoes and how to read and count. Our nightly routine was him reading me bedtime story, checking my room for the boogie man, turning on my night-light, and kissing me good night.
I remember this huge dog that would bark every time I would pass his house. He was fenced in, but he terrified me. One day I was minding my own business riding my bike up and down the street, and out of nowhere, that dang dog was in my face barking. He was out of the fence! Screaming at the top of my lungs, I felt myself being lifted off my bike into the arms of my superhero. But little did I know, my superhero would hurt me.
At the age of eight, all the good times came to an end, and a piece of me would leave. This man was not “my” daddy. He changed and became more and more distant until he didn’t come home. I became confused and angry because other people became more important than me, my brother, Dion, and Mama. I used to compare my life to other kids at school and envy them because they had both their parents in their lives. Their parents came to the school events while my dad was nowhere to found, and my mama had to work. Kids would brag and talk about the fun things they did over the weekend and their family vacations, while we couldn’t afford to do much. Times got hard, and money got tight. It became an understanding that money was not easy to come by, and complaining caused Mama pain. She busted her ass on the daily to provide for us. I had to grow up fast and realized that life was not like those fairy tales my daddy read to me. I blamed him for it all.
10 years passed. A call and gift here and there. My graduation gift was a surprised visit. Who is this man? Why is he here? “You caused us so much pain, you missed some of the most important days of my life. How dare you show your face? Your Bree Bree is no longer here.”
That visit did not end on a good note, and once again, he broke my heart.
Seven years passed, and for some odd reason, I had this feeling that maybe I can have a relationship with my…with him. He did not deserve the title. I called. The phone rung. My heart was pounding as I was unsure what to expect. It felt like I was speaking to a complete stranger. He was a stranger. I realized that any relationship with him would be new and start from where we were. I remember him telling me that he loved me. He was moving too fast because I had no love for him. Things are going well, and I felt like maybe, just maybe, this could work. He crushed my heart again…
To Be Continued…..
